Trusting Myself and Finding My Voice
Trusting myself and finding my own voice in this pregnancy has truly been a challenge.
As someone who is extremely self-confident in almost every other aspect of my life, the feeling of constantly doubting myself is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. From the start of the pregnancy, it’s been an inundation of unsolicited advice. Being here in Joshua Tree with this strong and opinionated group of women has only exacerbated the situation.
I have an aversion to showing vulnerability, but today I broke down crying in front of the whole class. Though I know it was mostly in my head, I felt judged by the other students for my choices in child birth. As I mentioned before, because I am a high risk pregnancy, Jeff and I feel most comfortable with a hospital birth under the oversight of a medical professional. However, it felt like the majority of the rest of the students, as well as the host / teacher, were pro-home birth / anti-hospital birth. Because of the strong opinions of this community, the horror stories about hospital births and medication have been gratuitous and overwhelming. With each story, the fear in my heart swelled and grew. Finally, I broke down.
I took a moment to meditate, breathe, and reflect. When I emerged, I knew two truths:
I trust my gut and my instinct. No one knows me, my baby, and my situation more than I do. While it’s important to me to collect these stories and experiences as interesting anecdotes/data points, I cannot afford to dwell on every single piece of advice or every single negative story I hear. It’s a practice of non-judgmental listening — take what works, and leave the rest.
I trust my body and my strength. My strength is my baby’s strength. I am baby’s first teacher before he/she even enters the world. When I let fear fester in my heart, it will be felt by baby. Instead, I need to show trust in myself and show strength. If my body is capable of conceiving this miracle, then it is capable of so much more than I could have ever imagined. I should learn to trust in my body more and learn to believe in my own strength.
Ultimately, this is my pregnancy and my decision. While I don’t always agree with some of the women here, it’s helpful to gather information to make choices for myself, to ask the right questions when I get home, and to forge my own birth plan.