Staying Calm When it Doesn't Go According to Plan
Staying calm when plans go awry is not natural to me. It’s a muscle that I have to continuously train and frequently practice.
I am a highly disciplined and organized person. I wake up at precisely 4am every morning, and from the moment I’m awake, I have every minute of my 18 hr day planned out. I’m an over-planner and an extreme multi-tasker, and I expect the world to function like clockwork.
Of course, plans go awry — and honestly, I get frustrated and don’t always handle it well! As I type this blog entry, I have to admit that I just had a little panic moment. But before going down the rabbit hole, I paused and collected myself. I thought about the kind of person I wanted to be as a mother… When the baby arrives, I expect that none of my carefully laid plans will ever go exactly according to plan again! The baby will necessitate the ability to go with the flow and to adapt, so I need more practice now.
I’m still a work in progress, but over the years, there are few ways I’ve learned how to stay calm in the storm:
Allow yourself a moment to feel. If you’re upset, it’s okay! It’s human to feel frustration, anger, sadness — we’re not robots. I find that when I bottle things up and just say “It’s fine” and brush it under the rug, the frustration manifests itself in other unhealthy ways. This is not to say you should give yourself permission to take your anger out on someone! But instead, give yourself a couple minutes to let the emotions exist without pushing them down.
Practical application: I’m a huge fan of a cathartic release. Sometimes, it’s a primal release like screaming into a pillow or letting myself cry (privately) instead of choking the tears back. Sometimes, it’s a cathartic verbal vent to get out all my emotions. I’m a huge advocate of mental health and the benefits of talk therapy — there shouldn’t be any stigma around it! I use an app called TalkSpace. When I’m upset, I take a moment to text it to my therapist in the app and just get it all out there! Of course you don’t need a therapist, you can always vent to a trusted friend, support person, and/or confidant.
Breathe. Intentionally observing the breath is an amazing practice in mindfulness. When our thoughts frantically run wild and get the best of us, the breath allows us to root into the present moment and allows the mind chatter to subside, calming your mind. It also abates the flight or fight response when our bodies are faced with stress — accelerated heart rate, shortened breath, high blood pressure. When we breathe slowly and deeply, we can calm ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Practical application: Observe your breath for at least ten inhales/exhales. Slow down your breath to a steady count, making the inhales equal in length to the exhales (Inhale, 1…2…3…4… Exhale, 1…2…3…4). Finally, observe the intricacies of your breath (ex: how the air is slightly cooler on the inhale and slightly warmer on the exhale after the air cycles through your body).
Let it go. Aparigraha is the last of the five yamas of Patanjali’s Eight Limbs of Yoga. Aparigraha means non-attachment, non-possessiveness, non-hoarding. It’s this idea of letting go of things we tend to hold too tightly onto as a part of our human nature. Over-attachment comes in many forms: attachment to material belongings, to relationships / people, and (for me, the most prevalent) attachment to expectations. Essentially, I get frustrated when things don’t go according to plan because I am so overly attached to the expectation of how I think things should go.
Practical application: After my breathing exercises, I bring it a silent mantra “let it go, let it go, let it go” into my meditation. Just repeat those words in your head - that’s it! Sometimes I add in a visualization into my meditation — I’ll picture the image of the thing that is bothering me, and as I say “let it go”, I allow the image to dissipate.
As much as I try to plan out every detail, life has its way of throwing you curve balls when you least expect it. I’m learning more and more how to go with the flow, and I strive every day to be a better version of myself. In addition to the above ways to calm myself down, I’m also thankful for the people who I depend on and who keep me sane — my husband, my family, my friends, my team mates, my coworkers, and my yoga tribe.